To whom it may concern:

I started this day with no appetite for this job and I still have most of it left. Since my last report it appears that our customer satisfaction has reached rock bottom and they’ve started to dig. Before I began writing, I arranged candles in a pentagram around my PC and lit them. I’ve learned that not all customers are annoying—some are dead. They drive me crazy. If I was one of my customers I would drive me crazy.

This started with, “The guy at the store said…” I hate when the first thing out of their mouth is the last rep said or the store rep said... as soon as I hear that all I want to do is bash my head against my desk. I saw one of my top supervisors highlighting fields on his monitor with a yellow highlighter. Customers always want something for free. They don’t understand we are a for profit company and that the service we offer does not come free. We do everything we can to squeeze every last dime from our customers and our employees.

Sorry, I just got lost in thought—it was unfamiliar territory. I tried to instill a hunter attitude in my people. We installed signs with the words, “Kill it, Cook it, Eat it,” referring to how to handle customers. I’m still trying to figure out who reported me to the mother-ship for that one.

Another supervisor came to me and asked me to talk with her customer. The customer said, "What are you going to do to compensate me!" What I wanted to say: "Yeah, I know. Global Warming, World Hunger, Terrorism, and now THIS! Life is tough!" Instead, I yelled at her, “Do I sound like a people person?” I was unraveling. She demanded to speak with my supervisor, so given that I run the call center, I placed her on hold indefinitely and went to the men’s room—my reps tell me customers do this to them all the time when they’re on the phone.

This morning a customer called me, and then put me on hold. Why is it they all seem to be competing for the title of, “How to be the most annoying customer ever?” I had implemented a strategy that seemed to be working well—annoy them before they annoy us. I made sure we overcharged them, gave them items of less quantity and quality, improperly packaged things, gave them less than prompt service, and my personal favorite....sent them to my competitor.

I’ve learned to hate customers—it didn’t take long. Let me let you in on a little secret. None of us is paid enough to put up with their behavior. I really hate customers who think they are better than me just because of where I work. They also often think I am stupid because of where I work. If they are really that confident that I’m so stupid, how would they like to compare SAT scores or college GPA’s or…well…anything really.

Sometimes it helps to write down what bothers me. I feel better.

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